Originally featured in (LinkedIn Pulse) By Melissa Hirst June 15, 2020

PLEASE NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS SPECIFIC TO MY EXPERIENCE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO INVALIDATE ANY OTHER TRANSITIONS; I. E. FEMALE TO MALE OR ANY OTHER TRANSITION IS JUST AS VALID, THIS IS JUST MY EXPERIENCE SO IS WRITTEN BASED ON MALE TO FEMALE STRUGGLE. IF YOURS IS DIFFERENT PLEASE CONTACT ME AND I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES ❤❤🤗🤗

What it is to be Transgender by Melissa (Mel Mayhem) Hirst

To be trans let’s see where do I begin… At the beginning.

Being trans is not understanding why you can’t play with makeup when you are 4 years old. Seeing your sister in the bathtub and throwing a fit because you know you’re supposed to be like her.

Sneaking the tennis skirt from your sister’s closet when she’s not at home just so you can twirl around and watch it extend out like a hoop .

In school gender-segregated activities and couples activities are the worst. Trying to pretend that you are a different gender (pretending to be the gender you are on your birth certificate) in Junior High and High School when your friends are all starting to grow boobs and are allowed to wear high heeled boots to school. You have so much jealousy but how are you supposed to suppress that without letting anyone know do you really are in fear of being killed or beat bloody in addition to all of the internal pain you already have.

If you are a straight transgender girl you are attracted to boys, even if you let them know they see you as gay and the only problem with that is gay boys are attracted to guys. You are not a guy. Who would even want me if I were to tell them who I really am?

Sitting in the audience at High School choir. The only thing you can think about the entire time it is the extremely beautiful gowns that match and how much fun you could have had getting ready for and being a part of this night on stage. You could have been the cheerful glowing bulb at practice; bubbly, making every person in the room cheer up and ignore the pre- performance tension. Don’t want to ask though ( birth certificate has the wrong gender marker, pretty important word on a piece of paper I guess).

You would gladly bear a period once a month if it meant that you could someday carry a child and be a mother. Constantly hearing other girls complain about theirs and thinking, ” oh what I wouldn’t give.”

Dreaming at five or six years old of your own wedding. Someday wearing a beautiful gown and walking down the aisle with your dad handing you off to the most handsome man you’ve ever seen who will protect you and care for you and love you and hold you in his arms.

In high school, failing PE every term because you refuse to dress out in the guys locker room. With all the guys, it just feels wrong. But again you can’t say anything because people will accuse you of being perverted and just wanting to go to the restroom with little girls. Every time you hear this it’s a knife through the heart. Not only are you wrong for feeling the other gender but now you are a pedophile also. If the pain of constant dysphoria isn’t close to ending you, things like this are the cherry on top.

And these feelings, thoughts and emotions are every minute every day every week every year. But you are not allowed to show emotions oh, you’re the wrong gender.

Usually by the early twenties you are so numb from the emotional pain that you are already contemplating your own end. And if tried and failed… Usually trip to the hospital and the inevitable more antidepressants. He must be very depressed. I AM NOT A HE. But!, can’t say anything.

These are what it is to be transgender. And millions of my brothers and sisters feel the same way, and millions more cannot hold it inside anymore and murder or suicide follows. If I’m not so depressed that I can’t take it anymore, I guess I’m an evil Unholy sinner that shouldn’t be allowed to live or love.

However, those of us who decide enough is enough and would rather live as the woman I am than die as the man I pretend to be, transition. The first person in your life that treats you as the gender you know you are on your inside gives you the most incredible feeling you have ever had! For the first time you can remember you are not sad. Happy! 16 year old girl receiving for her birthday a Ferrari, a pony (don’t care what color I’m not prejudice ) and a cute birthday card hand-delivered by shirtless Channing Tatum and James Franco happy!

To the many people who do not understand me and attempt to inflict pain and disgrace on me, ostracize me or become violent; the pain that you feel that I deserve for my choice to live my outer life matching who I am inside is a grain of sand to the Sahara Desert of how much sadness I had felt before. I am finally free.

I have to sign wavers at the doctor stating I understand that hormone replacement therapy significantly increases the risks of stroke and heart attack . Very very very small price to pay to avoid even another minute of this sadness and pain. This is what it is to be transgender. Unfortunately many of my brothers and sisters will never see.

Cover art (Nuclear Applepants; Voice of Treason) Royalties donated to Transgender Center of the Rockies via Mile High Behavioral Health Centers July, 2020